ooops…

Nobody’s perfect.  This is the truth about life.

As I grew in my unchosen career, cultivating and honing the skills that I acquired from one job to another, I became more and more conscientious of mistakes and making the same ones.  To a greater extent, I am now terrified of errors, moreover, confronting it.  I assumed the role of somebody that you can call “perfectionist” or so I thought.

My cousin who has been in Saudi Arabia has sent me an e-mail that was right on time.  I just realized how much complains I have scribbled on my journal along with the never-ending whining about my being a working mom and all.  It was so typical.  I could never be perfect as a mom nor as a wife nor as an Executive Assistant.  At the end of the day, I just need to let loose so I could start thinking clear.  I just need to be freed from my denials so I could move on and on.  I have to say I am happy when I am happy and I should admit that I am sad whenever I am sad.  I should say I am tired when I am  and I should say no when I have to.  This has nothing to do with me being a working mom but just the way I look at how I live my life.  If I think I am all so worked up, then I am.  So when I said I did not want to make the same mistakes, it makes all sense.  It’s time to wake up.

     

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What I miss the most…now, it is just a fantasy…

51/2 days a week, my job begins from 07.00 am until 12.00 md…

I wake up, prepare my eldest son for school, settle my 8-month old with a bottle of milk so he stops crying; toothbrush, bath, dress up for work.  No coffee in between?  I have it in the office.  At 05.00 pm, office is over – the real work starts.  That is if I finish at exactly 05.00 pm.  Most of the days, I stay later than my shift and when I get home, I can not even take a shower immediately because my sons cling on to me like they have not seen me for years.  They usually just got up from their long (really long) afternoon nap.  Then, I have to cook, have to feed both of them and clean them up for bed.  By the time I am done, the only thing I get to is to take a quick shower and go to bed myself.

Haaaaaa….just writing it makes me wanna pant some more.  That is now…God bless my Auntie for being around to help me out with the kids. At least, I get to steal some time in playing with my PC scrabble.  Other than that, I have no in-between’s.

I used to have all these time just for myself.  Time to spend on those very things that I am really passionate about – singing, reading, writing and strumming my guitar once in a while.  Now, I just realize, I do not even have a while.  These are the things that I miss the most at this point, I feel, are just some sort of a fantasy to me for I really am unable to do so. 

My friends would tell me – find time for yourself and I do try to.  Nevertheless, I have to spend most of my time to my family.  I do not mean to articulate that my being a working mom is a burden but I feel sad knowing that I struggle on a daily basis to deliver for my family, at the same time, for myself.  If I complain, there is guilt because I do not want my family to feel unloved and uncared for.  I am likely to be clueless although I know I am able to carry out my obligation and I always in denial…for the sake of my family.